Super Safe...

I was driving the other day and hear E playing with seatbelts in the back...

so I turn around and see him with all 3 seatbelts wrapped around him!

I started laughing

and he says "Now, I am SUPER safe"!

hahahahaha!

kids!

First Tooth!...

 E lost his very first tooth on Father's Day this year!

That little guy worked on that tooth for a couple days...

wiggling it...pushing it back and forth...and showing us about a thousand times

how loose it was!

It was so cute!

I totally remember those days...

So, on Father's Day we were all outside playing and E just pulled and pulled

and OUT came that little tooth right in the backyard!!

He handled it so bravely!

I remember thinking how much it was going to hurt if I pulled it out...

but boy, he never blinked an eye!

That night I pulled up the story of the Tooth Fairy on our IPad and we sat down

(baby tooth in a container) and read the story...

it was so cute!

They have a section where the Tooth Fairy answers questions from kids like

 "How old are you?"..."What do you do with the teeth?"..."Where do you live?" 

It was really fabulous to be able to answer all those questions straight from the tooth fairy herself!!!

What a magical time losing your first tooth...

Congratulations baby...you are growing up fast my love...

Field Day...!

Remember Field Day!!!....

ahhhh...the memories...

Having races (50 yard dash I was particularly good at)...long jump...shot puts...jump rope champion...(my husband held the title at Ethan's school for many many years...and he will NOT let anyone forget it!...not that he should...it's QUITE an accomplishment...;)

Someone took him down in early 2000...or they were just sick of seeing Craig Hill up there!

ahahahahaha!

just kidding babe...

You are SO the jump rope champion in our minds...

Anyway...

They used to give out RIBBONS!

You know, cause you WON something.

I worked my TAIL off to win the 50 yard dash

I mean, it was fun to win!

It sucked to lose...and we all lost at some point...

but, the feeling of beating everyone else was FABULOUS!

They don't do that stuff anymore.

No one wins...no one loses...

Say WAAA?

Come on...

I mean, I get it...

a little bit

No one wants to lose...or their kid to lose...

but, isn't that the part of the point of growing up?

Learning how to win and lose...

and

how to channel both those feelings into something positive?

Now...everyone just plays...

hmmmm...

I am not sure how I feel about that...

too many complaining kids (or probably parents actually)

Oh well.

They have a blast anyway!

Ms. Shafers Kindergarten Class

I worked the "GO FISH" station which was basically where the kids came and cast their reels

 (real fishing rods by the way)

out into the field to try to get them into the hula hoops or a random canoe or kayak...

and I have to say...

a huge majority of the kids were fantastic!

I couldn't believe it...

Cause, I really was terrible...

couldn't do it.

After the K-2 kids were done...

Ethan's teacher had us have a pizza party outside on blankets...underneath a giant tree!

It was sooooo nice...

chowing pizza...grapes...carrots...juice boxes...and the cutest ice cream cone cupcakes

(darn...I should have taken a picture...)

then Ms. Shafer gave them all bubble wands!

It was a wonderful day that I am SURE all the kiddos will remember forever!

and I am sooo darn lucky to be able to help out and see his smiling little face!

YAY for Field Day!

It was a blast!!!

Hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day...



Some of my favorite sayings for my little guy...

My husband was out of town golfing this past weekend and so I told my son

(who is 6)

that he was the man of the house and I needed him to be brave and helpful this weekend for his mama...

&

he was AMAZING!

Every day that little boy just makes my heart explode with love...

I couldn't be luckier than to have my little E in my life...

you make my Mother's Day...

I love you with all my heart.

Hope you all had a wonderful day with your "little miracles"!

Reminds me of when I was little...

I have so many great memories...

and I love that my son gets to experience those wonderful memories too..

I was lucky enough to be a helper at Ethan's School Halloween Party and Parade this year!

It was so much stinkin fun!

We helped all the little ones get ready...

watched them walk along the path...shaking their instruments their teacher gave them...

and

just enjoy watching all these kids soo darn happy...

We then went back to their classroom where they had fun at different stations...

decorating cookies...playing pin the tail on the cat...

and making witches brooms out of pretzels and cheese sticks!  (who thinks of these things)!

What these kids will never realize is how much joy they bring to me...

how much my heart fills up watching them play...and laugh...and just enjoy the simple things in life...

I thank God each and every day for this little miracle...

that I can be a part of his life...

because let me tell you...

I DO NOT take it for granted...

I am blessed...

Hope you all had a very happy halloween!

Next Stop...Kindergarten...

My sweet little E graduated from Preschool...

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....

Where oh Where did the time go?.....

This past year literally FLEW by...

All the preschool classes assembled together for a big graduation ceremony the other day...

each class sang some songs...

about God...about growing up...about moving on to Kindergarten...

He goes to a Christian School...

which I am soooooo happy he was able to go to this past year...

not only were the teachers and staff A-M-A-Z-I-N-G...

but, he was exposed to God and religion in such a fun and exciting way...

it just became another part of learning...

I was blessed to find this school and we will miss it very much next year...

My awful camera could not get close enough to take good pics while they were singing...

but, you get the idea ;)

E and his diploma...

we are sooo proud!

Now...to make sure he gets two more!

Here are his two seriously FABULOUS teachers..

Mrs. Angel and Mrs. Shinzing...

His cousin Griffin who came with both sets of Grandparents to cheer him on!!!

One of his BFF's...Lorenzo...

Proud parentals...

(I look preggers...yuck...too bad I am not...than I would say HURRAY!)

We took the kiddies out to Applebee's for Computer Games at the bar (hee hee)

...Mac and Cheese... & Ice Cream

(Craig and I had a cocktail...that's ok, right?)

congratulations on growing up E...

I hope there are many more happy and wonderful days ahead of you...

love...mama

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo



Searching...

I have always loved children...

love talking to them...playing with them...listening to them tell stories...

or just sitting back and watching them learn...

I am not very creative...or always know what to do...

which gets me frustrated...

because I want so desperately to fill my life with helping children that need it...

I've looked into Fostering...

but, my husband (the realistic one)...

is just not totally on board...(I can't say I blame him)...

he reminds me of all the things that I don't see when on a mission...

money...time...me getting upset...or totally consumed and stressed out...

the effects it might have on Ethan...him...me...

He knows I want to "Save the World" (his words)...

but, I sometimes don't think things through...and then I realize it is not exactly what I wanted...

or needed...or am able to fulfill...

I am always in search of "my fit"...

what am I "meant to do" with my life...

I went back to school for my Early Elementary Ed degree...

and ended up hitting a couple roadblocks...

I waited it out to see if they were bumps...or a stop sign...

I realized recently that it is a stop sign...

So...what next?

I am looking for a sign...a reason...something to hit me and say...

THIS is what you are supposed to do...

I recently found something called CASA...

which stands for Court Appointed Special Advocates.

You are basically a volunteer for children...

Exactly what does a CASA volunteer do?

CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to advocate for the best interests of abused and neglected children in court and other settings. The primary responsibilities of a CASA volunteer are to:

Gather information: Review documents and records, interview the children, family members and professionals in their lives.

Document findings: Provide written reports at court hearings.

Appear in court: Advocate for the child's best interests and provide testimony when necessary.

Explain what is going on: Help the child understand the court proceedings.

"Be the glue": Seek cooperative solutions among individuals and organizations involved in the children's lives. As one volunteer said: Be the glue that connects the pieces in a complicated child welfare system.

Recommend services: Ensure that the children and their family are receiving appropriate services and advocate for those that are not immediately available. Bring concerns about the child's health, education, mental health, etc. to the appropriate professionals.

Monitor case plans and court orders: Check to see that plans are being followed and mandated review hearings are being held.

Keep the court informed: Update the court on developments with agencies and family members. Ensure that appropriate motions are filed on behalf of the child so the court knows about any changes in the child's situation.

http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5301295/k.BE9A/Home.htm

I don't know...do I have the time...the energy...the knowledge...the heart...

I will keep searching...and waiting...and looking...

meanwhile...I just might have to look into this...

Been gone a while...

Sooo...I have been gone for a while...

I had a lot of things going on in my life...and they all seemed to come crashing down at once...

I just had no drive...no desire to do much...

the only thing that seemed to make me happy was my family and friends...
{& wine...love me some vino!}

Just a little background...

My wonderful, kind, caring, compassionate, patient, handsome husband and I have been trying to have our second child for over 3 years now...with no luck.

Our first came fairly easy...we playfully tried for a few months with no stress...no tracking anything...just said "let's see how it goes..."

and we got preggers within about 7 months.

This time around...not so much...

I must admit, 3 years of tests...poking... prodding...procedures...drugs...shots...doctor visits (all with the outcome of NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME)...staying positive...staying happy...having hope each and every month...and 6...yes, 6  IUI's can only last so long...

mine...about 3 1/2 years...then, I hit the wall.  Hard. 

I started to think that maybe I was going to give birth to the antichrist...and God was just taking his time with that...
or...that I was going to have a baby that was just not going to be born healthy...and He didn't want me to go through that...
or...my health...or marriage was going to come crumbling down and God didn't want me to have another baby when all this was supposed to happen...

or...maybe...I just can't have anymore.

I have decided to accept the fact that I am meant to have one.

Then...work tanked...yes, I still have a job...but, well...it's a long story...

Next...my little E didn't get into the 2 Kindergartens that I really really really really wanted (& needed) him to go to...

Then, all the online schooling I took wouldn't transfer to any of my local colleges for my Early Elementary Ed degree...so, $18,000.00 and 18 months of my life were just shot down...

YIKES!!!

I was mad...and sad...and a little depressed...

So, my very wonderful friend told me to allow myself to be sad... to cry...to be upset...

and get angry...to yell at God...

but, after that...to pick myself up and put the pieces back together...

& that's where we are now...

picking up the pieces...smiling more...giving thanks for all the good and wonderful things in my life...and trusting in God's plan...

   

Anyway...if you are still reading this...and are not completely depressed...thanks!

Maybe one day...I will have a post that just SQUASHES this one to bits!!!

Purpose...

I came off such a great weekend!
We did little bit of everything...

Friday, took E to his sports class with his best bud, Carter...a little McDonald's (just him and I)


came home and started E's Valentines cards...
(I know to start early, because there is a LOT of them!)
then...

Ladies night...
which really, was one of those perfect nights...
the one where you have FABULOUS conversation...a ton of laughs...
you know, when you really connect with your friends.
We danced...we drank...we ate...
(antipasto...which I CANNOT seem to get enough of)
We had a blast!

Saturday, my brother in law called to see if E could come over to play with the boys for a while...

(um...FOR SURE!)

So, my wonderful hubby decides that we need to go use our time wisely...

&

get a massage and facial! 

YAY!

Sunday, hubby went out with the boys to watch the game...

so, my girlfriend and her kiddies came over!

I made homemade bruschetta...

fresh tomatoes...garlic...basil...lemon...olive oil...parmesan...

yum...

& "skinny" artichoke dip from http://www.skinnytaste.com/!

So...that being said...I go into work on Monday...

I used to LOVE my job...(post-production...the advertising world)...

It fulfilled me in every way...great people...great people to work for...SUPER busy...

(I work 10 hour days)...and busy all 10 of them...

We were spoiled in every sense of the word.

Free HUGE breakfast buffet every morning...

lunch menus with 4 restaurants to chose from every day...

(I gained 10 lbs in my first year!)

3:00 snack and Friday drink cart that came around...

We had a MENU of cocktails to chose from...order a drink and they bring it to you...

I got to sip COCKTAILS at work!

Mainly...I felt needed...important...that I was contributing to something bigger than myself...

...& damn good at my job.

Which brings us to now...

many people have left...we have gotten pay cuts...furloughs...it's just so darn quiet...

I feel like I get paid to sit.

Yes, we have to pay our mortgage (damn it)...

but, for me...I drop my little E off at preschool every morning

to come to a job that doesn't fulfill me anymore...

a place where I just sit and surf the net...and watch movies...

for 10 hours.

Now, I did go back to school for 18 months...

THAT was the only thing that made me feel productive.

(I had to take a break...but am going back in Summer)

I just feel like my son's life is just passing me by.

I pre-enrolled him in Kindergarten yesterday.

Kindergarten.

I almost fell over.

& I don't know what I wish...

I guess we all wish, to do something with our lives...

to make a difference...

to spend quality time with our loved ones

 (because before you know it...they are gone)

to learn...and grow...every day

to feel good...

mind. body. & soul.

I guess I will just keep pluggin away at school and hopefully when I am finished

there will be a place for me to work

with children...which is what I have always wanted to do...

to feel needed...and important...and busy...and have purpose...

A little reminder...

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism,

He learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility,

He learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule,

He learns to be shy.

If a child lives with shame,

He learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance,

He learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement,

He learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise,

He learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness,

He learns justice.

If a child lives with security,

He learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval,

He learns to like himself.

If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,

He learns to find love in the world.

1972. Dorothy Law Nolte

One of my very favorite poems...moves me every time.

   

I need reminders sometimes...

I clean my house, watch TV, surf the net, make food, and talk on the phone...
sometimes I do these things and forget that I brought this beautiful child into the world and I am the person responsible for showing him what life is all about...

I want him to explore nature...to see the beauty in little things...to shut off the TV...to play more games...
to have a huge imagination...that it is a good thing to not always get his way...to have responsibility...to show kindness to others...to laugh more...to be good...

& believe me...he is a good little boy...kind, generous, loving, smart, empathetic, & a great listener

I think we are doing a pretty good job...:)
It's kind of amazing how much they teach you too...he is sooo smart...& so good.
He teaches me everyday...
I am a blessed woman.

But, I need to remember to slow down...to make more time...for just him...
because in an instant. time will pass me by. 

 

A is for adoption...

I can't deny that it hasn't crossed my mind a time or two...

I want so desperately to bring another child into our home...a brother or sister for Ethan...

another child to love into our family...

but, a child that didn't come from us...how do I feel about that?

Most parts of me feel absolutely at ease with it...

part of me feels very natural at the thought...

like, maybe it was my destiny to bring a child home that otherwise might not be born...

maybe I can't have one, because we are supposed to do this another way...

because if that is true, I thank God everyday that I was able to experience what it was like to carry a child...to feel them inside you for 9 months...

to talk to it...to plan...to dream...to sing to your belly...to watch your body grow and know that a baby was developing all it's parts, right in your belly...

& to (somewhat painfully;) feel your child come out of your body...the place you kept them safe and protected...and into this world...

for that, I am thankful.

but, there are sooo many questions that come up.

Mainly...where the hell do we find the money...?  It's something like $15,000!  YIKES!

& that makes me a bit mad.

If I was able to conceive, then it wouldn't break us...wouldn't stress us out even more...

money.  yuck.  capitol yuck.

cause when you don't have it...it really affects your life (& not in a good way)

& I know that in a decision like this, money shouldn't be a factor...

but, it is.

that, and, will we love it the same?

I don't know.

How can I?

Because it just isn't fair to bring a child into our home and have it not be loved the EXACT same way as your other child. 

That.  is not fair.

I could NEVER live with myself if I felt any less for this other child, then I do for the son I carried.

But...these are questions that I can't possibly know the answer to until I am put in the situation.

& that scares me to death.

the time has come...

So, Ethan has finally brought up the subject of wanting a little brother...

YIKES!

I have purposely never brought these kinds of things up in front of him,
because I don't want to ask the poor kid, "hey!  So, do you want a little brother or sister"? 
Why, you ask...?

Because I CAN'T DELIVER!

I was wondering when the day would come that he would ask about having a brother or a sister...

& I don't think he really understands completely what it means to not have one...

but, he sees his cousins and his friends...and most of them all have brothers or sisters...

so, naturally, I knew at some point, questions would come up...

Lord...I really wish I could give it to him...

let me tell you what a terrible feeling it is to not only want something so badly yourself...
but now your child wants it too...

I always imagined myself telling him all about who was in mommy's belly
and what it would mean to be a Big Brother...

I can just picture him being so kind and gentle with the baby...
or talking to my belly while sitting on the couch...

I just don't know...

I just don't know if he will ever be a Big Brother...

I wish I could tell him yes...

Just hang on a bit and Mama will give you one...

I'm still trying...

I can't not try...

I don't know how not to...

{oh, and by the way, he doesn't really want a baby sister...}

{he really wants a brother...just in case you are listening God...} 

stuck...

I'm stuck...

I'm stuck because my life is happening all around me (and believe me, I am present...most of the time), but I just can't seem to get past the want...the desire...the craving...
the gosh darn starvation of missing another child in my home...a sibling for my son...

&

I know, I know...be thankful for what you have...a beautiful little boy (I agree wholeheartedly)...maybe it is all for a reason (yeah, maybe...you could be right)...just embrace having one (I already do)...some people can't ever have any (and I feel terrible for them)...

&

I know that all sorts of people grow up without siblings...and they say they never noticed a thing...but, I NOTICE...I KNOW what could be missing...

&

actually, I am not going to say that it is all for E to have a sibling...it is for ME to have a full house...a house full of chaos...and love...and fights...and yelling...and laughter...and footsteps...and children yelling mama all day long...and to be visited when I am old and grey by my children and their new families...and to hold all my grandkids in my arms and tell my children to "go...have fun, your father and I will watch them"...

I'm stuck...

&

you can't possibly understand...and I have absolutely NO IDEA how to even explain it...

I LOVE my days...my family...my life...

but, there is a hole...and I try to fill it sometimes...with God knows what...sometimes even I don't even know what I am doing...

sometimes, it's not really healthy...or right...but, it's the only way I know how to try to fix it...

I'm stuck...

&

it's a fire that cannot be put out by anyone else...

only me...

when I am ready...

if that day ever comes...

for now...I am happy...I promise...

I am just stuck...

with a hole in my heart...

image:  http://chocolatetherapie.tumblr.com/rss

*stumbled upon*...

My son is starting pre-school this Fall (yikes!) and I have a million things to do to get him ready...

Batman Backpack (check)

Batman Lunch box (check)

Washable travel silverware in blue (check)

Labels for EVERYTHING (check)

New clothes...

New Shoes...

So...while browsing online kids label companies, I stumbled upon this great site:

http://www.namebubbles.com/labelpack/daycare-labels.html

According to their blog:

 They use Eco-Friendly & Non-Toxic Ink. 

Name Bubbles are made in the good ole USA!  

They are durable, wash machine and dishwasher safe!  (Yay)!  This means I don't have to worry about ANYTHING!!

They have stickers dedicated to Allergy/Medic alert (which thankfully I don't have to use, but would be unbelievably happy to purchase for my son)

Labels for EVERY situation you can imagine!

& what I thought was really cool...you can order birthday favor packs!  You can pick the design, bubble shape, colors and names, and have them printed for each child at the birthday party!  How great for mom's and the kids will LOVE to see their personalized stickers!

images:  www.potterybarnkids.com

showertime...

Throwing a shower for a wonderful co-worker of mine today!  It is always so nice to chat and laugh with some wonderful women, sip some good wine...sample an array of wonderful foods...open some fun baby gifts and just relax and enjoy the people I work with! 

I wish miss christina a happy, healthy, & beautiful birth...

4 years...

So...my first memory of something "not quite right" with my body was on the 4th of July...4 years and 9 months (give or take) ago...we were out on the boat and I had a great time, but just couldn't seem to drink the beers like I normally could...

people were going out afterward and I remember asking Craig if we could just hit Matter of Taste, just him and I, to relax...I was soooo pooped...

not too many weeks (& 3 pregnancy tests) later, I found out I was pregnant!

So, pretty much, every 4th of July since we have been trying, reminds me of getting pregnant..

& really, I have 100% come to terms with never having another child...really, it's TOTALLY ok with me...and am 100% genuinely happy with what I have...

we recently got a sweet puppy dog (who is like another kid honestly...) and can't even imagine what it would be like with another baby in the house!  (it seems soooooo long ago...)

I am happy to be a family of 3 (& a doggie)...perfectly happy.

but...I still can't help remembering all those beginning feelings of pregnancy every 4th of July...

sick...

Our Memorial weekend started out beautifully...Up north at our family cabin on the lake...(beautiful and relaxing)...

Sat morning began with a sunny, 83 degree day...the whole family, including 4 dogs (our new baby doggie Harlow included!) played in the sand, went boating, swimming, sipping boat drinks, eating great food and basically just LOVING life...

Sunday morning things went downhill...my sweet little boy woke up with an upset tummy and NO energy...he fell asleep sitting up at the table not even 5 minutes after waking up, so I layed him on the couch and he proceed to throw up each and every sip of water I gave him for the next 8 hours.  We decided to take the 3 hour trek home, just to be close to a hospital if needed.  E threw up the whole car ride and well into the rest of the evening...we called the pediatrician at 9:00 to get some advice and she told us to try again and if he couldn't keep anything down still to take him to the ER. 

We got in the car at 12:30 am Sunday evening, arrived at the ER and they said that our sweet little boy was so dehydrated that the veins in his left arm had completely collapsed.  They got an iv going in his right arm (he couldn't even move) and began the drip.  Apparently his electrolytes should normally be between 22 and 24...he was a 12.  SEVERELY dehydrated...

I felt AWFUL...the worst mom in history...but, the very nice ER nurse I chatted with for an hour at 2:00 am got us a room in the ped floor immediately (thank God)...

We got a room and for the next day and a half, little E had an iv drip, continuious observation and blood drawn...He was a trooper and LOVED eating limitless vanilla ice cream!!!!

We are home now and all is back to normal...and now I know that I will NEVER under any circumstances allow my child to throw up for that long again...

what.a.weekend...

{love this little boy to death}

If you're happy and you know it...

I always knew I would be a wife...and a mother...I knew it like your body knows how to breathe...you don't even really think about it...it just happens...

every once in a while you run into some bumps in the road...life takes you on a detour that you didn't expect...or didn't really even want to drive down.

sometimes, life changes...

sometimes, the life you didn't think twice about having, becomes one you never dreamed would be...

I always wanted kids...2, maybe 3.  (lately, i think i would be perfectly, crazily, swooningly ecstatic with 8!)

  but...probably 3...just because I came from a home of 2 and it always felt, well, a little to little...

lately, i have been given an opportunity to understand what it means to really want kids...not just want them because it is how you just thought it always should be...the house, the husband, the job, the family...

but, to really really want a child...

& in that opportunity, you learn to appreciate the miracle you have already...the time that is given to you a seems a little bit more precious...

i dream of a house full of life...of laughter...of arguments...of tears...of complete chaos...

but right now...i am most definitely clapping my hands...;)

images courtesy of http://www.abbysharp.tumblr.com/