Thursday, August 19, 2010

stuck...

I'm stuck...
I'm stuck because my life is happening all around me (and believe me, I am present...most of the time), but I just can't seem to get past the want...the desire...the craving...
the gosh darn starvation of missing another child in my home...a sibling for my son...
&
I know, I know...be thankful for what you have...a beautiful little boy (I agree wholeheartedly)...maybe it is all for a reason (yeah, maybe...you could be right)...just embrace having one (I already do)...some people can't ever have any (and I feel terrible for them)...
&
I know that all sorts of people grow up without siblings...and they say they never noticed a thing...but, I NOTICE...I KNOW what could be missing...
&
actually, I am not going to say that it is all for E to have a sibling...it is for ME to have a full house...a house full of chaos...and love...and fights...and yelling...and laughter...and footsteps...and children yelling mama all day long...and to be visited when I am old and grey by my children and their new families...and to hold all my grandkids in my arms and tell my children to "go...have fun, your father and I will watch them"...

I'm stuck...
&
you can't possibly understand...and I have absolutely NO IDEA how to even explain it...
I LOVE my days...my family...my life...
but, there is a hole...and I try to fill it sometimes...with God knows what...sometimes even I don't even know what I am doing...
sometimes, it's not really healthy...or right...but, it's the only way I know how to try to fix it...
I'm stuck...

&
it's a fire that cannot be put out by anyone else...
only me...
when I am ready...
if that day ever comes...

for now...I am happy...I promise...
I am just stuck...
with a hole in my heart...



3 comments:

  1. That was very honest and heart-felt. I wish you the best on this journey. You'll figure out what is meant for your family. As I well know, things can change unexpectedly, and you really, truly don't know what your life is going to look like in a year, or five, or ten. Best wishes--

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  2. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and just "be." I totally get the feeling of being 'stuck'- I have been 'stuck' in different ways- but stuck just the same. Remember always that feelings you describe aren't right or wrong- they simply "are." Your ache is real and that is truth. I often wish we could have a crystal ball- a way of looking into the future and seeing- because if we knew- we could take the pain we are in now. Know where to go- which direction at least. Know that I am praying for you- thinking of you- and wishing for you. I know you have a community but if you ever need anything- even an ear- I'm here.
    Hugs-
    L
    ps- Please know that wanting 'more' does not mean that you are not full of the most amazing love for that sweet little boy. I get that too- that guilt of wanting more when you already have a world fast asleep in your home. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. thank you my friends...it means a lot to know that you are here...and you care. I appreciate the comments more then you know...xo

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