I'm stuck...
I'm stuck because my life is happening all around me (and believe me, I am present...most of the time), but I just can't seem to get past the want...the desire...the craving...
the gosh darn starvation of missing another child in my home...a sibling for my son...
the gosh darn starvation of missing another child in my home...a sibling for my son...
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I know, I know...be thankful for what you have...a beautiful little boy (I agree wholeheartedly)...maybe it is all for a reason (yeah, maybe...you could be right)...just embrace having one (I already do)...some people can't ever have any (and I feel terrible for them)...
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I know that all sorts of people grow up without siblings...and they say they never noticed a thing...but, I NOTICE...I KNOW what could be missing...
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actually, I am not going to say that it is all for E to have a sibling...it is for ME to have a full house...a house full of chaos...and love...and fights...and yelling...and laughter...and footsteps...and children yelling mama all day long...and to be visited when I am old and grey by my children and their new families...and to hold all my grandkids in my arms and tell my children to "go...have fun, your father and I will watch them"...
I'm stuck...
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you can't possibly understand...and I have absolutely NO IDEA how to even explain it...
I LOVE my days...my family...my life...
but, there is a hole...and I try to fill it sometimes...with God knows what...sometimes even I don't even know what I am doing...
sometimes, it's not really healthy...or right...but, it's the only way I know how to try to fix it...
I'm stuck...
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it's a fire that cannot be put out by anyone else...
only me...
when I am ready...
if that day ever comes...
for now...I am happy...I promise...
I am just stuck...
with a hole in my heart...
That was very honest and heart-felt. I wish you the best on this journey. You'll figure out what is meant for your family. As I well know, things can change unexpectedly, and you really, truly don't know what your life is going to look like in a year, or five, or ten. Best wishes--
ReplyDeleteI wish I could wrap my arms around you and just "be." I totally get the feeling of being 'stuck'- I have been 'stuck' in different ways- but stuck just the same. Remember always that feelings you describe aren't right or wrong- they simply "are." Your ache is real and that is truth. I often wish we could have a crystal ball- a way of looking into the future and seeing- because if we knew- we could take the pain we are in now. Know where to go- which direction at least. Know that I am praying for you- thinking of you- and wishing for you. I know you have a community but if you ever need anything- even an ear- I'm here.
ReplyDeleteHugs-
L
ps- Please know that wanting 'more' does not mean that you are not full of the most amazing love for that sweet little boy. I get that too- that guilt of wanting more when you already have a world fast asleep in your home. <3
thank you my friends...it means a lot to know that you are here...and you care. I appreciate the comments more then you know...xo
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