I can't deny that it hasn't crossed my mind a time or two...
I want so desperately to bring another child into our home...a brother or sister for Ethan...
another child to love into our family...
but, a child that didn't come from us...how do I feel about that?
Most parts of me feel absolutely at ease with it...
part of me feels very natural at the thought...
like, maybe it was my destiny to bring a child home that otherwise might not be born...
maybe I can't have one, because we are supposed to do this another way...
because if that is true, I thank God everyday that I was able to experience what it was like to carry a child...to feel them inside you for 9 months...
to talk to it...to plan...to dream...to sing to your belly...to watch your body grow and know that a baby was developing all it's parts, right in your belly...
& to (somewhat painfully;) feel your child come out of your body...the place you kept them safe and protected...and into this world...
for that, I am thankful.
but, there are sooo many questions that come up.
Mainly...where the hell do we find the money...? It's something like $15,000! YIKES!
& that makes me a bit mad.
If I was able to conceive, then it wouldn't break us...wouldn't stress us out even more...
money. yuck. capitol yuck.
cause when you don't have it...it really affects your life (& not in a good way)
& I know that in a decision like this, money shouldn't be a factor...
but, it is.
that, and, will we love it the same?
I don't know.
How can I?
Because it just isn't fair to bring a child into our home and have it not be loved the EXACT same way as your other child.
That. is not fair.
I could NEVER live with myself if I felt any less for this other child, then I do for the son I carried.
But...these are questions that I can't possibly know the answer to until I am put in the situation.
& that scares me to death.
hope you find the answers you are looking for and that wastever you decide is the very best for everyone! good luck!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you friend as you try to sort this out and find out what is best for you. I have some friends who adopted and if you ever want me to put you in touch with some (just to bend their ears) let me know. I think that you are right though you have to be on board and love whoever that child is as much as E. My friends who have adopted you can't tell their bio kids from their adopted and I love that!! I should also mention 3 of my friends who started the adoption process wound up pregnant! (I think something about being able to relax and know that your family will grow was a big stress relief for them!)
ReplyDeleteAnyway- just wanted to share that tid-bit- letting you know I was thinking of you and if you need anything to let me know. You are an amazing woman with so much love to share- I do look forward to what the future has in store!
Hugs-
L