I'm stuck...
I'm stuck because my life is happening all around me (and believe me, I am present...most of the time), but I just can't seem to get past the want...the desire...the craving...
the gosh darn starvation of missing another child in my home...a sibling for my son...
&
I know, I know...be thankful for what you have...a beautiful little boy (I agree wholeheartedly)...maybe it is all for a reason (yeah, maybe...you could be right)...just embrace having one (I already do)...some people can't ever have any (and I feel terrible for them)...
&
I know that all sorts of people grow up without siblings...and they say they never noticed a thing...but, I NOTICE...I KNOW what could be missing...
&
actually, I am not going to say that it is all for E to have a sibling...it is for ME to have a full house...a house full of chaos...and love...and fights...and yelling...and laughter...and footsteps...and children yelling mama all day long...and to be visited when I am old and grey by my children and their new families...and to hold all my grandkids in my arms and tell my children to "go...have fun, your father and I will watch them"...
I'm stuck...
&
you can't possibly understand...and I have absolutely NO IDEA how to even explain it...
I LOVE my days...my family...my life...
but, there is a hole...and I try to fill it sometimes...with God knows what...sometimes even I don't even know what I am doing...
sometimes, it's not really healthy...or right...but, it's the only way I know how to try to fix it...
I'm stuck...
&
it's a fire that cannot be put out by anyone else...
only me...
when I am ready...
if that day ever comes...
for now...I am happy...I promise...
I am just stuck...
with a hole in my heart...
